For decades, the conversation around sex and boundaries in Christian circles has been reduced to a single question:
“How far is too far?”

It’s the question that echoed through youth group Q&As, summer camps, and dating devotionals. And most of us asked it with sincerity. We wanted to do the right thing. We wanted to honor God. But we also wanted to know where the line was—the invisible threshold we could tiptoe up to without crossing it.

But here’s the problem: “How far is too far?” is the wrong question.
Because it starts from the wrong place. It assumes that holiness is about avoiding punishment rather than pursuing God. That obedience is about restriction instead of relationship.

It’s a question born from fear—fear of failure, fear of consequences, fear of disappointing God. But fear-based obedience doesn’t cultivate love; it cultivates performance. It trains us to ask, “What can I get away with and still be considered pure?” rather than “What would honor the One who made me?”
That’s not holiness. That’s self-preservation dressed as righteousness.

It’s time to ask a better question:
“How do I honor God with this longing?”

Because longing isn’t the enemy.
And purity isn’t about limits—it’s about love.
Love that leads us toward God, not just away from sin.

“How Far Is Too Far?” Is a Boundary Question. But Holiness Is a Heart Question.

When we reduce purity to a list of physical checkpoints—kissing, touching, sleeping over, but not sleeping together—we make the Christian sexual ethic sound like a loophole system. But Scripture never treats holiness like a boundary game.

Romans 12:1 tells us to “give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him.”
That’s not about lines. That’s about posture.

The heart of holiness isn’t how close we can get to sin without falling.
It’s how closely we can follow the One who made us.
It’s not, “What can I get away with?”
It’s, “What draws me deeper into God’s design?”

Desire Isn’t the Problem. Direction Is.

Too often, Christian messaging has treated desire as inherently dangerous. But desire isn’t sinful by default. You were created with the capacity for longing—for intimacy, connection, and union. That wasn’t a glitch in God’s design; it was the reflection of His image in you.

But because we live in a broken world, desire without direction easily becomes distortion.
That’s where discipleship comes in.

When you ask, “How do I honor God with this longing?” you’re inviting the Holy Spirit into the very place culture tells you to either indulge recklessly or suppress shamefully.

1 Thessalonians 4:3–5 says,

“God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin. Then each of you will control his own body and live in holiness and honor…”

The goal isn’t to feel nothing.
It’s to follow Someone.

When the “how far” question becomes the focus, we train our hearts to live in negotiation with God instead of communion with Him.
But holiness was never meant to be negotiated. It was meant to be nurtured—through trust, surrender, and love.

From Fear to Formation

The “how far” question is rooted in fear—fear of messing up, fear of consequences, fear of losing approval. But fear doesn’t lead to love. It leads to secrecy, shame, and self-monitoring.
When we ask “How do I honor God with this longing?” we step into formation instead of fear.

We start asking questions that form character, not just control behavior:

• What is this desire pointing me toward?
• Am I craving connection or avoiding loneliness?
• Is this drawing me closer to Jesus or further from peace?
• How can I bring this into the light instead of hiding it in the dark?

It’s not about behavior modification. It’s about heart transformation.

So What Does That Look Like in Real Life?

When We Ask “How Far Is Too Far?” We’re Really Asking:

• “Can we make out as long as we don’t have sex?”
• “Is touching okay as long as clothes stay on?”
• “What’s technically allowed before we cross a line?”

When We Ask “How Do I Honor God With This Longing?” We’re Asking:

• “Are we treating each other as image-bearers, not objects?”
• “Do our actions reflect patience, respect, and clarity?”
• “Does this honor God’s design for intimacy within covenant?”
• “Are we building trust or temptation?”
• “Can we invite spiritual community into this area of our lives?”

One question is about avoiding guilt.
The other is about pursuing God.

Parents, Leaders, and Mentors: Change the Conversation

Whether you’re a parent, youth leader, or mentor—don’t be afraid to reframe the question.
Our kids don’t need more lists of what’s “allowed.” They need language for longing. They need a theology that sees their desire and says, “That’s not gross. That’s something God can shape.”

Ask your teens:

• “What do you think God feels when we bring our desires to Him?”
• “What kind of love is worth waiting for?”
• “What would it look like to trust God with this part of your story?”

Give them more than rules. Give them a better reason.
Because when they know why God calls them to holiness, they’ll stop viewing boundaries as limits and start seeing them as love.

God’s Not Afraid of Your Longing—He Wants to Redeem It

If your question has always been “how far is too far,” take heart. That question often comes from a sincere desire to honor God—even if the framework was flawed. You’re not broken for asking. You’re just ready for a better way forward.

God isn’t looking for rule-followers. He’s looking for followers—people willing to surrender even their most vulnerable desires to His care.

So stop asking how far you can go.
Start asking how close you can get to Him.
And let that question change everything.

Want to Take This Conversation Deeper?

If you’re dating—or mentoring someone who is—and want to move beyond boundaries into intentional, God-honoring connection, I’ve created a free resource just for you:

Dating & Discipleship Questions: Learning to Love with Honor and Intention
→ Thoughtful prompts for real conversations
→ Scripture-based guidance on purity, purpose, and maturity
→ Practical tools to help couples grow in clarity, not just chemistry

👉 Download your free guide here.

Because honoring God with your longing begins with asking the right questions—together.